Recap? Sure.

"I noticed you don't update your blog on weekends, hm?" - My mom
"y u no post hilarious bloggings? schadenfreude is really helping me stay on track with this p90x thing" - Jen
"He was right, he's terrible about writing on schedule." - My grandmother (inferred)
"He gave up / died / was absorbed into the cult and is too busy making insider P90x references to bother to update." - Everybody else (also inferred)

Okay, so maybe the last one is a little true. You know how you reach a point of familiarity with something that you can't help quoting from it, or making references to it, or acting parts of it out in bars. My friends know about this.

Because of this show.

And this movie. 

And certain songs from this album.

Embarrassingly, it seems that P90x is now in the cadre of Shit I Quote From At Bars And Other Social Gatherings. It helps that a few of my other friends are also either embroiled in the program or considering starting, and it helps more that the friends that aren't are cool enough to just roll their eyes and ignore it when phrases like "Party's almost over man, what a bummer!" and "I'm the leader of the band, I can do what I want" and "You're doggin' it!" start to fly. And it's just as well, because I'll kick them with my ENERGY LEGS.

I has them.
(unless it's plyometrics day)
(or legs & back day)
(or kenpo day)
(or yoga day, if it's hot out)

So: how was the rest of Week 2?

Let's see.

Shoulders & Arms, Week 2:

Last week's break in blogging was the result of discovering certain new additions to my apartment. (The less said or thought about them the better; if they're not all dead already, they will be by tomorrow morning.) Important lesson of that day is that you cannot properly exercise if you're not focused. You can try, but you won't really accomplish anything, and the result is something like the Sneaky Hate Spiral but happens much more quickly. You make a mistake, Tony says something about proper form, and then it's all over.

And then you're throwing things. (PROTIP: Keep something soft around to throw if you want to take out your aggro on Tony & Kids and they're playing on your nice computer, or you'll be even angrier.)

So I lasted all of about five minutes into the Shoulders and Arms routine (which those familiar will recognize as barely out of warmups) before giving up in a rage and storming out of my apartment.

The next morning, I was more rational, a little embarrassed, and - let's be honest - a little hungover. I pulled it together and went to work, resolving to pick it up again that night. And I did. I still flung curses at the screen, I hated everyone and everything during Ab Ripper X, but finished up, and felt much better for getting back on track.

This may not seem like the biggest deal, but in past exercise routines, I've taken the excuse of the day off or the personal crisis as an excuse to quit and never go back. Not this time.

Yoga, Week 2:
Q. Do you know how sweaty a yoga mat can get after just fifteen minutes of Astanga sun salutations? 
A. Extremely

Q. Do you know the correlation between amount of sweat and the coefficient of friction between hands and a yoga mat?
A. Indirect. As sweat increases, coefficient of friction decreases.

Q. If number of salutations = 5, relative temperature in apartment is 91°F, and rate of sweat ≥ .25L/min, then solve for μ (show work). 
A. No. It's just gross, and I still can't do the Half Moon.

Legs & Back, Ab Ripper Week 2:
I did have the advantage of not needing to help with a move after this routine, which was a major help in cooling down. Also, I noticed that I can feel actual muscles moving in my calves, instead of what was previously just a tube of gelatin with a bone in the middle. This is actually one of my favorites, mostly because I've always had pretty strong legs and can do most of the exercises confidently.

Ab Ripper X, on the other hand, is definitely my least favorite. I'd rather do plyometrics. Ab Ripper is only 16 minutes long, but you do 11 exercises at 25 reps apiece in that amount of time (plus bonus, if you follow Tony). That's pretty quick. I am trying to get better at using the pause button so I can recover and keep going with more reps, but resistance wanes after Fifer Scissors... and by the V-up/roll up I go full Servo.

Kenpo, Week 2:
Kenpo is sliding down the list of favorite routines, mostly because I'm not possessed of the necessary physical coordination to fight anybody. It features what may be the most useless piece of advice in the entire series. "Punch at me," Tony says, "directly at me." This is not useless because it's bad advice (you shouldn't be hitting too high or too low) but because I guarantee that everyone in my position is already aiming for Tony. Every. Single. Time.

I do like the legs portion of this routine, and once I get into the flow of kicking and stop worrying that my neighbors across the street are dying with laughter at the uncoordinated shirtless whiteboy flailing around his apartment trying not to kick his cats (sorry, Cheshire, I did tell you to move) I can actually put some power into them. This is good in that you feel the actual range of motion and the impact that you're supposed to be getting; it's bad in that if you reach too far you will destroy both your boxer shorts and your exercise shorts. (PROTIP: loose fitting clothing.)

And there ended Week 2. I'm now down by 3 pounds (awesome) and know the routines a little better.

Primary note for Week 3: keep enthusiastic. Knowing the routines better means less pausing and mutterings of "...the hell are you doing?" but it also creates less of a sense of doing something crazy and out there and a little adventurous - more of a chore than something to look forward to each day.

Key things to remember:
• No matter how miserable you are during the workout, you feel awesome when you're done.
• No matter how miserable you are during the workout, you feel worse when you skip or don't try.

Doggin' it.

Day 9: Plyometrics II Electric Legdeath

"Tip of the day: Think. Like. A. Cat."

Tony does a little light toe-to-toe step to illustrate what he means. Jump gracefully, land softly.

I look at my cats for inspiration. How do they think? How do they move? How do they act?

Usually, it's like this:

This is Beyla.

Or like this:

This is Cheshire.

Sometimes, they do this:

This is a catnip-fueled turf war. Kids: don't do drugs.

They were both sleeping. Not helpful. So I broke out the laser pointer I'd just bought.

If I'm going to be working, so are they.

Plyometrics II was just as heinous as Plyometrics I - possibly more so, as I'd elected to walk home from work, which is about four miles. You get that nice slice of Brooklyn life walking down Flatbush Avenue from DUMBO to Lefferts Gardens, plus it's a good chance to catch up with your folks on the phone. It's not a good start to sixty minutes of jumping.

After 15 minutes, I was dripping. By 40, I was submerged and having serious doubts as to my ability to finish the video. Tony was smug. The guy in the back was jumping 30 inches higher and farther than was required. Erik Stolhanske continued to have one leg. Pam, on the other hand, was my salvation. "They call her 'Blam,'" but I just called her "friend."

Also, did you know any of this?

Badass.

I made it. Barely, but made it. I hobbled around for a bit, had my shower, shake, and sushi, and was not much good for anything else. Recovery this morning, though, was much quicker than last week - additional hike notwithstanding.

Also: scales indicate that there is 1.5 pounds less of me in existence, compared to this time last week. So for those of you investing in the Geoff standard, now's the time - available supply in coming weeks may not meet demand. (Financial advice AND fitness information? How lucky are you?)

Cheshire, meanwhile, will keep dreaming of the laser pointer.

xkcd, you are so wise.

Day 8: Chest & Back, Ab Ripper Part II

What's the first tip of the day? Pace yourself.
What's the second tip of the day? Bring it.

What did I say?

also, are you aware that the snozzberries taste like snozzberries?

This was a mistake. I was so heartened by my ability to add at least 2 reps to each of the push-up and pull-up routines that I went overboard. Things were brought that were not meant to have been brought just yet. The thing to know when doing the Chest & Back routine is that Tony is not kidding when he says you're going to do it all again. (I've learned that Tony is rarely kidding, although he will quote himself a suspiciously high number of reps or weights and then feel the pressing urge to go "check on the kids" - especially if one of the "kids" happens to be a petite, fit female - in order to "show you how it's done." It's useful when he shows the person using resistance bands, though, which is what I have.) Ergo, if you ignore Tony's advice and go too hard in Round One, you're going to have very little left in the tank for Round Two - and in Round Two you're supposed to go all out.

I managed to Bring It through half of Round Two, but the military push-ups proved to be my undoing. I found myself locked in the Up position, bargaining and pleading with myself to get down there and get back up after just a handful. How I rued the ease with which I'd breezed through Round One! (Okay, "ease" and "breeze" may be a little bit of a hyperbole, but come on, I'm working hard here, give me a little artistic license to rhyme once in a while.)

And then mere ruing changed to surprised pain as my arms abandoned me on the decline push-ups and I brought it. To the floor. With my nose.

It was more embarrassing than painful; sometimes it's good to be working out on your own with the curtains closed.

I did manage to finish up the routine, plus the Ab Ripper (I think I waste valuable lung capacity in hurling epithets at Tony and company, but it makes me feel better), showered, and had my recovery drink. And as I  gingerly inspected my nose for permanent damage (none) or temporary blemish (also none), one phrase kept repeating: pace yourself, pace yourself, pace yourself.

Week One: Recap!

Who just finished their first week of P90X?

This guy, right here.

Thank you. Thanks. What an honor, alright. Okay. Please, no applause.

Week One ended yesterday, with a day of rest and stretching. I should probably recap the rest of the week for my faithful readers (like my grandmother) (Hi Gram!) who are clamoring for updates, thus stoking my ego when it comes to writing, and keeping me motivated when it comes to exercise. However, I really like my Gorilla Brony story below, so I'll do a little catch-up here.

Day 4: Yoga

When you think yoga, you probably think this:

Or this:

Namaste.

Basically, you're thinking of a good looking lady in a pastoral setting, who is at peace with her surroundings and communing with the eternal spirit of oneness.

You're probably not thinking about this.

Because I can't do that with my legs.

Which is about how I felt while trying to keep up with Tony and crew - at first. The soothing background music helped (really) and as the routine went on, I managed to stretch a little farther in each direction. Between each pose, Tony likes you to run a plank / upward dog (or cobra) / plank (with optional push up) / downward dog routine, which usually ends in kicking your leg skyward, bringing it forward, and going into one of the warrior poses. Anyone who's starting this program from scratch: you will want to become VERY FAMILIAR with this little routine, as you'll be performing it every few minutes for the entire 90 minute workout.

Everything they say is true about the first 45 minutes. You may want to give up. You may recall your mother saying "If it is truly yoga, it should not cause great pain." (Your mom does this three times a week.) You quantify what you're feeling as "strain," not "pain." You watch the clock, you sweat, and as soon as it hits 45:00 you breathe a big sigh of relief. And then Tony's all

and you're all

 

because you have to do Yoga Belly 7 and you're still not recovered from Ab Ripper the day before.

Moral of the story: hang in there and stretch it out. And don't worry if they're doing this half moon

and you feel like this Half Moon.

Day 5: Legs and Back, Ab Ripper
PROTIP: Do not do Legs and Back plus Ab Ripper for the first time and then go help your friend move. Even if you're happy she's back in the neighborhood, and you've skipped the first half of the move, and it's really not that strenuous compared to your move which was a PITA because you have too many thing, and she helped with that move so you have to help with hers, plus all your friends are helping too, and then you throw a housewarming party that night, because your legs will be very tired.

Seriously, Woodhouse. Tired.

Because HOW HARD IS IT to do 30 deadlift squats, Woodhouse?

Day 6: Kenpo

Kenpo starts out fun, and then hurts you, and then gets fun again once you get into it. My main problem was coordination. I've been in two fights in my life, and only thrown one decent punch (note: it was not in either of those two fights. I decked my friend Morgan with what I believe may have been a right hook to the jaw. Whoops! We were drunk at a house party) so moving the hips and the arms in the same direction was more of a challenge than the physical swinging, lunging, and blocking. Also, make sure you have a nice, clear area for this, not a living room that has recently been partied in, unless you like spending your precious few rest breaks cleaning up spills.

When cooldown time came, and I realized that I'd made it through the most intense six days of P90X, I couldn't help giggling to myself and feeling like a badass.

 

I'd actually made it. I hadn't overdone it, but I also hadn't pushed myself too far. I know where my limits are, more or less, and I know how to push them, more or less. And on my rest day, I actually missed doing more than stretches, which is nigh unprecedented.

Week Two starts today, and I feel a little less goofy about the constant invitations to "Bring It." In fact, I'm gonna bring a little more next week.

I'm catching up, Horton. Watch yourself.

Days 4 & 5: Yoga, Back & Legs

Days 4 and 5 are complete, but this weekend is shaping up into a pretty busy one, so this is just placeholder. No skimping, though. Strength and honor! (Maybe more honor than strength at this point.)

For now, here's a pair of gorilla bros who have just finished a P90x workout. And one gorilla bro has admitted to being a gorilla Brony. And the other gorilla is all "Hey man, I'm not gonna judge you for who you are, I'm just gonna POWERSLAM DERPY HOOVES UP YOUR ASS." And after a few chest bumps and punches they went out to have a gorilla beer and were best buds. Fin.

Day 2 & 3: Double Header, or Why Plyometrics Is A Dirty Word

As astute readers (my grandmother) (Hi Gram!) have noticed and already pointed out, there was no blog update last night following Plyometrics. This is because jumping exercises, apparently, have an impact on the typing muscles and - more importantly - the brain muscle that thinks up the witticisms and  fun pictures.

This fun picture was NOT POSSIBLE last night.
Yes, it's from the Venture Brothers.

So, plyometrics.

(I keep wanting to type "pylometrics.")

Plyometrics is "a type of exercise designed to produce fast and powerful movements." Thank you, Wikipedia. That may have been the design, but we're not quite there yet. We started off pretty quick and powerful, but devolved pretty quickly into the modified exercises. Which is fine. They make a big deal about not letting your ego get in the way, because if you try to keep up, you will fail and hurt yourself. "It's day 2 of 90!" I said to myself. "Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was your body!" Tony shouted while doing some insanely fit maneuver. I tried to high-five the computer mid-jumping jack, lost my balance, and kicked over my water bottle.

I AM A CREATURE OF GRACE AND BEAUTY.

Just to make things a little more interesting, it was revealed early on in the routine that one of the "kids" had only one leg. His name is Erik Stolhanske. Anyone who has done P90X past day 2 will recognize him as that dude with one leg who is destroying your ass at jumping and twisting and other activities that normally require two legs. 

He's on the left, killing it in warm ups.

Anyone who hasn't will recognize him from this:

They get all antsy in their pantsy.

Yep. Officer Rabbit, the Rook from Super Troopers, going to be making you feel just a liiiiitle bit inferior. Although it does come across as a good challenge. Stolhanske's put a lot of effort into his fitness, and if he can do it on one leg, what's my excuse?
I won't get into detail about the various plyometrics exercises this time, but there's one thing that did stand out - this was the routine that made me realize just how out of shape I am. "How the hell did this happen?" I wondered for a split second before remembering that, oh yes, spend ten years treating "exercise" like a dirty word and you're going to have some side effects.

Pictured: self-image following plyometrics.

So: from now on, no more exercise as a dirty word. We have a new word, and that word is "plyometrics."

Having finished plyometrics, I had my energy drink, a piece of tilapia and some veggies, took a shower, and fell asleep on the couch.

My alarm went off earlier than usual this morning. I'm going to go see Agalloch tonight, and figured that the last thing I would want to do after a metal show was work out my shoulders and arms.

Superior to lifting weights.

Not wanting to miss a day so early in the routine, I thought I would wake up early and do the routine before work. And for those who are reading and know me, that alone should demonstrate considerable commitment.

After an hour of curls, squats, and another 15 minute Ab Ripper, I managed to stagger into the shower. I've realized I need some better weights or resistance bands, or possibly learn to use the bands I have more effectively because, while I felt some burn and my arms feel a bit leaden here at work, I think I missed out a bit on that routine by not using proper weights or missing the mark with the bands. Time will tell. Ab Ripper destroyed me once again, but not a badly as before - knowing a bit about what was coming helped with effectiveness and I managed to do a few more reps of each with minimal discomfort until the very end.

Progress? Progress. Tomorrow is Yoga (which I am to understand is murderous), but I have a little break between now and then, which I should probably spend doing my editing.

Day 1: Chest Back Ab Ripper, or; Mr. Horton, We Are Not Yet Friends

Tony Horton, you seem like a nice guy. You do. Sort of a macho-femme Nathan Fillion who spends more time on his pull up bar than singing songs about himself or smuggling various things away from various authorities.

I'm pretending Captain Hammer is in charge.

And you sound pleasant, as well. I was expecting more the R. Lee Ermey approach to motivation - the finger-waving, in-your-face, you-have-got-to-be-KIDDING-me-Pyle ethic. Instead, what I got was some California-sounding guy, a little on the pompous side, but with the attitude that makes you want to listen. Except for a few creepy times when you channel T-Bag from Prison Break.

Oh honey, I put the X in the P90, delicious.

So all in all, you seem like a nice guy. We could hang out over a beer - sorry, recovery shake - and you could tell me stories about how your assistants first started the program. But we will not be friends. Not yet. Because my arms hurt and my abs hurt and you maybe made me throw up a little in the back of my mouth. It's not you, really. It's the things you made me do. Or maybe it's the things I made myself do while trying to do the things that you were asking me to do. Whatever.

You might have gathered by now that Day One was not a shining example in the annals of fitness. I warmed up. I stretched out. I got down. I brought it, to the best of my ability. I wondered why I was attempting this in an apartment that already reaches the upper eighties in the summer with all the fans on. My cats, again, thought I had lost my mind. For a fleeting second (the second right after the gastrointestinal dismay), I thought I had too.

"When you die from this, we'll eat the soft tissue first."

But you know what? I made it through Day 1. I couldn't even come close to keeping up, but I could do at least a few of the chest and back exercises, as well as the AB RIPPER X. That's about an hour and twenty minutes of sweating, which is an hour more than I usually do each day (unless it's in the nineties outside, in which case I just drown anyway.)

So Mr. Horton, we may yet be pals. Buds, even. For now, though, my favorite Horton remains this fella:

Before the scandalous sequel Horton Hires a Ho

and not this fella: