Recap? Sure.

"I noticed you don't update your blog on weekends, hm?" - My mom
"y u no post hilarious bloggings? schadenfreude is really helping me stay on track with this p90x thing" - Jen
"He was right, he's terrible about writing on schedule." - My grandmother (inferred)
"He gave up / died / was absorbed into the cult and is too busy making insider P90x references to bother to update." - Everybody else (also inferred)

Okay, so maybe the last one is a little true. You know how you reach a point of familiarity with something that you can't help quoting from it, or making references to it, or acting parts of it out in bars. My friends know about this.

Because of this show.

And this movie. 

And certain songs from this album.

Embarrassingly, it seems that P90x is now in the cadre of Shit I Quote From At Bars And Other Social Gatherings. It helps that a few of my other friends are also either embroiled in the program or considering starting, and it helps more that the friends that aren't are cool enough to just roll their eyes and ignore it when phrases like "Party's almost over man, what a bummer!" and "I'm the leader of the band, I can do what I want" and "You're doggin' it!" start to fly. And it's just as well, because I'll kick them with my ENERGY LEGS.

I has them.
(unless it's plyometrics day)
(or legs & back day)
(or kenpo day)
(or yoga day, if it's hot out)

So: how was the rest of Week 2?

Let's see.

Shoulders & Arms, Week 2:

Last week's break in blogging was the result of discovering certain new additions to my apartment. (The less said or thought about them the better; if they're not all dead already, they will be by tomorrow morning.) Important lesson of that day is that you cannot properly exercise if you're not focused. You can try, but you won't really accomplish anything, and the result is something like the Sneaky Hate Spiral but happens much more quickly. You make a mistake, Tony says something about proper form, and then it's all over.

And then you're throwing things. (PROTIP: Keep something soft around to throw if you want to take out your aggro on Tony & Kids and they're playing on your nice computer, or you'll be even angrier.)

So I lasted all of about five minutes into the Shoulders and Arms routine (which those familiar will recognize as barely out of warmups) before giving up in a rage and storming out of my apartment.

The next morning, I was more rational, a little embarrassed, and - let's be honest - a little hungover. I pulled it together and went to work, resolving to pick it up again that night. And I did. I still flung curses at the screen, I hated everyone and everything during Ab Ripper X, but finished up, and felt much better for getting back on track.

This may not seem like the biggest deal, but in past exercise routines, I've taken the excuse of the day off or the personal crisis as an excuse to quit and never go back. Not this time.

Yoga, Week 2:
Q. Do you know how sweaty a yoga mat can get after just fifteen minutes of Astanga sun salutations? 
A. Extremely

Q. Do you know the correlation between amount of sweat and the coefficient of friction between hands and a yoga mat?
A. Indirect. As sweat increases, coefficient of friction decreases.

Q. If number of salutations = 5, relative temperature in apartment is 91°F, and rate of sweat ≥ .25L/min, then solve for μ (show work). 
A. No. It's just gross, and I still can't do the Half Moon.

Legs & Back, Ab Ripper Week 2:
I did have the advantage of not needing to help with a move after this routine, which was a major help in cooling down. Also, I noticed that I can feel actual muscles moving in my calves, instead of what was previously just a tube of gelatin with a bone in the middle. This is actually one of my favorites, mostly because I've always had pretty strong legs and can do most of the exercises confidently.

Ab Ripper X, on the other hand, is definitely my least favorite. I'd rather do plyometrics. Ab Ripper is only 16 minutes long, but you do 11 exercises at 25 reps apiece in that amount of time (plus bonus, if you follow Tony). That's pretty quick. I am trying to get better at using the pause button so I can recover and keep going with more reps, but resistance wanes after Fifer Scissors... and by the V-up/roll up I go full Servo.

Kenpo, Week 2:
Kenpo is sliding down the list of favorite routines, mostly because I'm not possessed of the necessary physical coordination to fight anybody. It features what may be the most useless piece of advice in the entire series. "Punch at me," Tony says, "directly at me." This is not useless because it's bad advice (you shouldn't be hitting too high or too low) but because I guarantee that everyone in my position is already aiming for Tony. Every. Single. Time.

I do like the legs portion of this routine, and once I get into the flow of kicking and stop worrying that my neighbors across the street are dying with laughter at the uncoordinated shirtless whiteboy flailing around his apartment trying not to kick his cats (sorry, Cheshire, I did tell you to move) I can actually put some power into them. This is good in that you feel the actual range of motion and the impact that you're supposed to be getting; it's bad in that if you reach too far you will destroy both your boxer shorts and your exercise shorts. (PROTIP: loose fitting clothing.)

And there ended Week 2. I'm now down by 3 pounds (awesome) and know the routines a little better.

Primary note for Week 3: keep enthusiastic. Knowing the routines better means less pausing and mutterings of "...the hell are you doing?" but it also creates less of a sense of doing something crazy and out there and a little adventurous - more of a chore than something to look forward to each day.

Key things to remember:
• No matter how miserable you are during the workout, you feel awesome when you're done.
• No matter how miserable you are during the workout, you feel worse when you skip or don't try.

Doggin' it.

Day 9: Plyometrics II Electric Legdeath

"Tip of the day: Think. Like. A. Cat."

Tony does a little light toe-to-toe step to illustrate what he means. Jump gracefully, land softly.

I look at my cats for inspiration. How do they think? How do they move? How do they act?

Usually, it's like this:

This is Beyla.

Or like this:

This is Cheshire.

Sometimes, they do this:

This is a catnip-fueled turf war. Kids: don't do drugs.

They were both sleeping. Not helpful. So I broke out the laser pointer I'd just bought.

If I'm going to be working, so are they.

Plyometrics II was just as heinous as Plyometrics I - possibly more so, as I'd elected to walk home from work, which is about four miles. You get that nice slice of Brooklyn life walking down Flatbush Avenue from DUMBO to Lefferts Gardens, plus it's a good chance to catch up with your folks on the phone. It's not a good start to sixty minutes of jumping.

After 15 minutes, I was dripping. By 40, I was submerged and having serious doubts as to my ability to finish the video. Tony was smug. The guy in the back was jumping 30 inches higher and farther than was required. Erik Stolhanske continued to have one leg. Pam, on the other hand, was my salvation. "They call her 'Blam,'" but I just called her "friend."

Also, did you know any of this?

Badass.

I made it. Barely, but made it. I hobbled around for a bit, had my shower, shake, and sushi, and was not much good for anything else. Recovery this morning, though, was much quicker than last week - additional hike notwithstanding.

Also: scales indicate that there is 1.5 pounds less of me in existence, compared to this time last week. So for those of you investing in the Geoff standard, now's the time - available supply in coming weeks may not meet demand. (Financial advice AND fitness information? How lucky are you?)

Cheshire, meanwhile, will keep dreaming of the laser pointer.

xkcd, you are so wise.

Day 8: Chest & Back, Ab Ripper Part II

What's the first tip of the day? Pace yourself.
What's the second tip of the day? Bring it.

What did I say?

also, are you aware that the snozzberries taste like snozzberries?

This was a mistake. I was so heartened by my ability to add at least 2 reps to each of the push-up and pull-up routines that I went overboard. Things were brought that were not meant to have been brought just yet. The thing to know when doing the Chest & Back routine is that Tony is not kidding when he says you're going to do it all again. (I've learned that Tony is rarely kidding, although he will quote himself a suspiciously high number of reps or weights and then feel the pressing urge to go "check on the kids" - especially if one of the "kids" happens to be a petite, fit female - in order to "show you how it's done." It's useful when he shows the person using resistance bands, though, which is what I have.) Ergo, if you ignore Tony's advice and go too hard in Round One, you're going to have very little left in the tank for Round Two - and in Round Two you're supposed to go all out.

I managed to Bring It through half of Round Two, but the military push-ups proved to be my undoing. I found myself locked in the Up position, bargaining and pleading with myself to get down there and get back up after just a handful. How I rued the ease with which I'd breezed through Round One! (Okay, "ease" and "breeze" may be a little bit of a hyperbole, but come on, I'm working hard here, give me a little artistic license to rhyme once in a while.)

And then mere ruing changed to surprised pain as my arms abandoned me on the decline push-ups and I brought it. To the floor. With my nose.

It was more embarrassing than painful; sometimes it's good to be working out on your own with the curtains closed.

I did manage to finish up the routine, plus the Ab Ripper (I think I waste valuable lung capacity in hurling epithets at Tony and company, but it makes me feel better), showered, and had my recovery drink. And as I  gingerly inspected my nose for permanent damage (none) or temporary blemish (also none), one phrase kept repeating: pace yourself, pace yourself, pace yourself.